Monday, January 09, 2017

New Procedures for American Tourists visiting the United Kingdom

Dear Theresa  [May],

As a British Citizen I want to inform you of the wonderful welcome I received in the United States of America.  And all this before /The Donald/ takes over.  

Perhaps in the spirit of reciprocity you can arrange something similar for our American cousins wishing to do business with or just visiting England ...

01  Before they even travel make sure Americans have to complete a form.  Lets call it PESTER.   This is basically to put visitors on the backfoot, ask them to justify their visit, on and of course charge them money

Make the website is very buggy and able to crash in the middle of data entry and reject payment that you thought was valid, oh yes, and sometimes be too busy to logon to check your Pester status which you need to get a printout of before travel.

02 On arrival make to a UK airport sure Americans get no special treatment and are put in a really long queue, sorry I mean line.

03 Make sure to call the visitors Aliens, it helps lets them know in a not so subtle fashion how welcome they really are

04 Corral our 'guests' into an Electronic validation system asking them a series of non-sensical questions, like: Are you a terrorist?  Maybe we can ask additional questions like:  Are you a Redneck,  that sort of thing.

05 Make sure to fingerprint your guests.  Yes Americas with their sense of entitlement are really going to love it.  

Remind 'our guests' that the normal standard for fingerprinting is if the police believe on reasonable grounds that you have committed an indictable offence, for example, shoplifting or assault.

06 Make them wait in a long line for a meeting with a Immigration officer who will ask them to prove their address in the country.  I mean if they had wanted to choose a hotel when they arrive in a City, clearly they are upto no good.  Send them back home

07 Optionally fingerprint them again

08 After they have got their bags make sure to corral all 'guests' into a long isle and request from them paperwork they previously completed stating that they are not bringing in meats, fresh fruits and vegetables, plants, seeds, soil and products made from animal or plant materials.

09 Now free make sure the signs are totally confusing so as to make all but the most dedicated take an expensive taxi to leave the Airport.

If you can implement all of these measures now before  /The Donald/ gets to power you will be well prepared for the increasing and probably random extra restrictions that he will no doubt announce on Twitter.  Then you can match those too, point for point.

Thanks Theresa, you know this makes sense

Yours sincerely,

The British Public